Probably one of the greatest causes of unhappiness in any relationship is the anger and the fighting. Sometimes it can seem like you’re living in a constant state of war. Maybe you’re the nagger or maybe you’re the one doing the nagging. Maybe you’re the one who has to keep on pick, pick, picking, until your partner can’t take it anymore and finally blows up. For most people, let’s face it, we know where to find our loved one’s on/off anger switch. Even the most mild-mannered of people have their touchy areas, their certain issues that we know not to bring up around them. It doesn’t matter how slow tempered we might consider ourselves, we’ve all got that one certain subject or action that really sets us off and everyone who knows us well knows what it is.

That being said, you’d think the fact that our anger button is well known would be a good thing, right? You’d think that it only simplifies the peace keeping. I mean, if everybody around us understands what sets us off, they’ll know what areas to avoid with us and what topics not to bring up. And the shoe fits on the other foot too. If we know exactly what makes our loved one angry, we have the advantage of knowing what not to say. It would seem like the key to preventing relationship discord lies right in the palm of our hand. And yet…strangely, we don’t use it. Now I ask you, why don’t we use it? If we know a way to make our relationship a better, happier, and longer lasting one, well it seems like a kind of sabotage to hold back from putting that knowledge to use, doesn’t it?

But that’s exactly what we do every time we bring up “the” subject (and we all know that “the” subject exists, even if exactly what it is differs from couple to couple). So here’s a new idea: let’s not say it. Just once, let’s hold back from crossing those boundaries—from pushing the anger button. Let’s swallow what’s hovering on the tip of our tongue and move on to something else, either a different topic or at least a different approach to the old one. I’m not saying we have to be liars or worse—chickens—at all. But it’s possible to be honest and sincere about our thoughts or feelings without being “brutally” so. After all, isn’t a better, more loving relationship worth a little extra effort?

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