There are so many do’s and don’ts in relationships, especially regarding fights between partners. All of us have read about the best ways to fight, the so called rules of the game. But of all the conflicting and hard to follow advice I’ve found that two things are absolute essentials when it comes to having a fair fight hat doesn’t turn destructive and egotistic.

The first is to curb the tendency to rake up past issues and fling accusations based on previous incidents. What’s past is past. If it is not, then the two of you need to address the issue, not fight it out, and see where it still rankles. If you are just using it to hurt or annoy or show your partner down, you are acting in the worst interests of your relationship. At that very moment, you are turning what is supposed to be a channel of communication into a tug of war, a personal fight, in which only one of you can win, and the other will remember the hurt and humiliation and perhaps a negative lesson which they will use on you given a chance. It can never do any good to you or your relationship ever. So chuck it.

Same is the case with wanting to get the last word in a fight. If that’s what you are doing, you are probably saying a lot of senseless, unnecessary, hurtful things, just to salvage your ego – not self-respect, but ego, and that is a BAD thing for the relationship and for the two of you. It says that you care more about being winning the fight, than finding a way to solve the current problem whatever it may be. That it’s about just you and not anymore the two of you together. By pitting yourself against the other person, you are stepping out of the relationship and into war. And from then on it is war.

Of course there are a lot of things one needs to keep in mind, and different couples will develop different patterns of communication and fighting, but the thing to keeping mind is that both of you are on the same side. Even if things get hot and martial, basically the goal is the same, to eliminate any conflict that may mar the relationship. It is when you loose sight of the goal that you do when negative communication patterns set in, and the apple cart is derailed.

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