Ok, everyone has probably heard this myth: fighting with your partner actually strengthens rather than damages your relationship. Its an idea that’s been touted by pop psych shows and self help books for so long now that its generally accepted as common knowledge, right? The theory behind this system of fight-for-love is rooted in the fact that for years psychologists have encouraged people not to hoard pent up emotions, not to let secret resentments simmer unspoken beneath the surface until the day they finally erupt in some harmful way. So a spat today actually prevents greater conflict down the road. Sounds reasonable, right?

But there’s something wrong with this theory. Recently, many psychologists are beginning to dispute the benefits of venting, citing its ill effects on the relationship. There’s no arguing that consistent, regular quarrelling puts a heavy strain on any couple, but beyond that, what about destructive cycles? What about the natural tendency we all have to grow in an unhealthy habit once formed? What happens in cases where the occasional “healthy” spat grows into a daily argument and the daily argument grows into a continual state of antagonism, in which both parties are living in a constantly hurt and wary state? Of course we’ve all heard couples give the defensive argument that their fighting simply proves that they have a healthy relationship. But honestly, when repeated frequently over time, doesn’t this mantra start to sound a little like the excuse of an unhappy couple who don’t want to make the effort to find the real reason behind the quarreling?

This is not to say that it isn’t perfectly normal for couples to engage in the occasional squabble, nor that a lot of good can’t come from two people honestly expressing their feelings or concerns with one another. But for many couples what begins as harmless little tiffs often seem to spiral out of control. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to wonder if this is really the sort of pattern we should be looking to form in a loving, lasting relationship. Given the potential for damage that continual fighting has, it may be that our natural tendencies toward anger aren’t something we would be wise to encourage or cultivate under the guise of maintaining a happy relationship.

What might be a better path toward mutual happiness? Maybe checking the quick, angry responses at times, maybe not always saying what’s on our minds. After all, it isn’t lying to refuse to express an unnecessary insult or to hold back a hurtful remark until the urge to voice it has passed. Maybe in the end what’s really needed is a pleasant blend of honesty tempered with respect and affection. Is that a sappy, old fashioned, idea? Probably. Does it work? What have we got to lose in finding out?

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