“I love you.” Whether you’re hearing it first thing after you wake up in the morning, or last thing before you fall asleep at night, it’s a comforting thought to take with you. Why then, do we so often ignore it? For some of people, maybe the problem is that they don’t hear it enough. For others, maybe they hear it so often it becomes commonplace. This is particularly true in the case of the traditional “I love you,” called out in a hurry, as you or your spouse is rushing off to work. Here, the problem isn’t so much a lack of the phrase, or even an overuse, but just a bad choice as to the best time to voice it. I suggest that words carrying such weight and importance in a romantic relationship shouldn’t be thrown around as freely as “hello” and “goodbye.

The key here, I think, is picking the right time to speak up and the right time not to. It’s sort of the same situation as with, say, Valentine’s Day. Great as it is to get a Valentine’s Day gift, which means more: receiving a gift that you already knew was coming—one that’s “owed” to you, or being surprised with something you didn’t expect? It’s the same principle with the I-love-you’s. Certainly you want to say it every time you part. After all, what if something terrible happened? You could be stuck remembering forever that you never even said “I love you” the last time you were together. Yet, at the same time, there’s a world of difference between the obligatory “I love you” and the same words spoken in a heartfelt and sincere way. Sure, just because you say it in a rush while you’re distracted with something else doesn’t mean you don’t mean it. But it does suggest that you aren’t really thinking fully about the words. You weren’t necessarily feeling loving or even emotional when you said it—you were just mouthing a phrase from habit.

So what is the secret here? When do you know the difference between the two kinds of I-love-you’s? Probably when they’re used in the right setting and time. Of course, you can’t wait forever for some impossibly romantic occasion that may rarely if ever come up (although you can make an effort to make those occasions happen!) You can, however, wait for a quite time, when things are less crazy. Maybe some time when you’re alone and not rushing off in different directions. Remember, it isn’t the words that matter. It’s the feeling that goes into them.

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